In this episode, I dissect the notion of stereotypes surrounding individuals who choose not to have children. As a licensed therapist, I navigate common assumptions, including being selfish, will face regret later in life, being emotionally unfulfilled, and being freedom-centric, among others. I provide counter-arguments based on personal experiences and societal observations, refuting these stereotypes, and advocates for a purposeful, intentional life regardless of the decision to parent or not.
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Breaking Down Stereotypes: An Unapologetic Conversation On Child Free Life
In this episode, I dissect the notion of stereotypes surrounding individuals who choose not to have children. As a licensed therapist, I navigate common assumptions, including being selfish, will face regret later in life, being emotionally unfulfilled, and being freedom-centric, among others.
I provide counter-arguments based on personal experiences and societal observations, refuting these stereotypes, and advocates for a purposeful, intentional life regardless of the decision to parent or not.
The episode aims to encourage listeners to own their choices and embrace their individuality.
00:00 Introduction to Unapologetically Child Free
01:24 Addressing Stereotypes About Child Free People
02:29 Stereotype 1: Child Free People are Selfish 0
4:19 Stereotype 2: You'll Regret Being Child Free
07:12 Stereotype 3: Child Free People Lack Maternal/Paternal Instincts
08:40 Stereotype 4: Child Free People are Lonely
10:04 Stereotype 5: Child Free People Prioritize Career Over Family
12:35 Stereotype 6: Child Free People are Emotionally Unfulfilled
15:09 Stereotype 7: Child Free People Hate Kids
17:00 Stereotype 8: Child Free People are Immature
18:59 Stereotype 9: Child Free People are Freedom Centric
20:57 Stereotype 10: Child Free People are Unstable or Unsettled
25:50 Conclusion: Embracing the Child Free Life
Oh, sometimes being a voice in this child free community gets my stomach in knots when I think about how simply being myself and experiencing my life in a way that fulfills me, pisses people off.
Hey, welcome to unapologetically child free, the everything that you need in one place podcast for life without kids. I'm Maggie Dickens, a licensed therapist and your child free hype woman here with candid conversations about friendships, lifestyle, and everything that defines our child free life. So join me on this journey where we get to live life unapologetically.
so, you know, when women are talking about the. dangers that they feel in being around men. And inevitably some man will say, not all men. Well, this is the episode for parents to say, not all parents and I've got two things to say to that. Awesome. I totally agree with you. It's not all parents. I'm also going to say, if you have to say that, probably not in the group you think you are.
And what do I mean by that? Well, we're going to be talking about stereotypes today, and I've got a list of stereotypes that we're going to go through that society as a whole, a parent based procreation based society as a whole has on people who choose to not have children in particular and how even the most caring and compassionate people can hold these stereotypes to be true.
In fact, even Child free people can hold these stereotypes to be true for themselves because of the conditioning that we have had within our society and we forget that we don't have to subscribe to these stereotypes. And if you get uncomfortable listening to some of these stereotypes, I highly encourage you to do some self reflection and see where just some of these stereotypes hit your own biases.
📍 📍 📍 All right. Coming in with probably the most popular stereotype is that the child free person is selfish.
When we talk about child free people having the stereotype that they are selfish is. There's a level of truth here. And what I mean by that is all humans are selfish and self absorbed and self centered. And we're supposed to be. That's how we stay alive. If I'm constantly thinking about other people and I'm never self aware at all, I put myself at risk.
Now, we don't want to be self absorbed and selfish. And self centered to a fault where we are just really crappy friends and members of the world. However, The stereotype of saying that child three people are selfish because they're prioritizing their personal goals over parenthood.
That's the part that is infuriating to me because it's a personal goal.
I don't see that as any more selfish than someone who chooses to become a parent, wants to become a parent, spends a lot of effort and energy in becoming a parent because they are prioritizing that goal above other things in their life.
And, So, it's simply a difference in priority, not a difference in selfish versus selfless. And also, so many of the reasons that people choose to be child free are focused on the greater and global benefits of not having children. So, there's an argument there that says that not having children is even more selfless.
And we can get into that into another podcast.
ALl right. Stereotype number two is the you'll regret it later. Okay. So this is also part of, um, child free bingo. Both of the selfish and the regret later are child free bingos that we get. I'll talk about that in an episode in a couple of weeks. However, it's this idea that it's this assumption that child free people are They're going to eventually live a life full of regret, they're going to be very sad, they're going to feel very alone, and so that is why, even though they don't want to have kids now, they should just do it anyway, to avoid this stereotype that, Oh, I'm 50, 60 years old, I've gone through menopause, and I'm no longer able to have a biological child, and, What did I do?
I wasted away my life and research backs me up on this. That stereotype is so effing wrong. And before I move off of the. You'll regret it later stereotype and that childfree people are doomed to live a very sad and alone life is what I know as a licensed therapist. Is that when we live a life that is very purposeful and intentional that's based in our value set that's based in honoring our relational and intimate needs.
We are able to make very confident and very well fitting decisions for our life. And this idea that when people are very purposeful and saying, I have thought this through, I have spent time with , internal reflection, and I am making a purposeful choice for myself, regret is. So foreign at that point because the internal conversation was very purposeful.
I think where this you'll regret it later comes from in some places, aside from just people being jerks, is that there are parents who regret their decisions. There are also parents who didn't have a choice to have their children and. are not happy being parents. And there is a projection that's happening onto the child free.
And There's not much we can do about that. There's not much that we can do to stop that projection. As a child free community, what we can do is continue to set boundaries that say when someone is going to tell me what I'm going to feel, I don't have to accept that as truth. I can instead lean onto the foundation that my purposeful and intentional , decision making has created for me.
All right, stereotype number three, and I talked about this a little bit in my last podcast about how people have said to me throughout my life, but Maggie, you'd be such a good mother. And the thing about that is that the. The world as a whole is looking at people who are kind and compassionate and giving and caring as that's a maternal instinct or that's a paternal instinct. Instead of saying, that's a kind person, that's a caring person, that's a compassionate person, that's a thoughtful person.
These are all characteristics that I like to believe that I possess. And I think that's why people would say I would be a good parent. Instead of thinking about I am all of those things to people and situations that I want to be in. When I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in, , I'm not as nice.
I'm just not as nice. I'm prickly. I get, I get irritated. My patience drops, all of those things. The other part is that there's this belief in this maternal or paternal instinct that that's an actual thing.
And how do we know that that's true ? How many times have I said, or have you said, or you have heard people who are parents say, There's no manual that comes out with this baby. Right. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. I don't know what to do in this situation. It's because there's not a maternal instinct aside from keep myself alive and keep the people in my, my herd alive.
All right. The fourth stereotype, we kind of talked about this in the regretful stereotype, but this is the loneliness. This is the, the belief that people who don't have kids are just. Lonely all the time or that they will be lonely. And that's why people who have an opinion and they want to share their opinions with us and say, you should have kids because they're wanting to solve this problem that they think that we have.
Right? So there's often this pity, there's this sympathy, the, I feel sorry for you, belief and feeling that people put onto the child free and there's a couple of pieces here. Parents get lonely too. Another piece is that it is assuming that your child will be your friend, which is not healthy to have a child in order to have a friend.
That's pretty fucked up if you're having a child specifically so that you will stop being lonely. It's not going to work. And the other is, it is completely diminishing the adult, child free person, their ability to go find companionship somewhere else. Whether platonic, romantic, or familial, there is companionship and connection to have in all kinds of places outside of Parenthood.
Oof. Okay. We've made it to stereotype number five. I have fallen into this. I wore it as a badge of honor and it is so cringy. And I think I talked a little bit about this in my last episode is that it's the career over family stereotype. We see this in movies. This is one of the child free woman tropes that we see in romantic comedies.
Um, it was even in that book. Turned miniseries, , Firefly by, by Kristen Hanna, where , the character who didn't have kids, she was just this. Amazingly successful woman. And it, and then the person who had kids, she wasn't, she gave up a career that she had wanted. Right. And we see this over and over. , Hallmark movies are so notorious for this, right.
It's November when I'm recording this. So all the Christmas movies are coming out and then therefore all of the like jokes about these movies are on Tik TOK right now. And you see the, the kind of here's a one minute snapshot of a Hallmark Christmas movie, right? You know, it's big city woman with a high powered job, who meets small town guy. And she gives up her life in the big city that she absolutely loved and worked her ass off for because now she meets him and she's going to move to the small town and get married and have babies because that's what she was missing the whole time.
Um, that stuff makes me want to just gag because. Yes, there are people, I'm one of those as well, who, when I had friends who were getting married in their early 20s, mid 20s, and starting to have children, I was working. I was spending less time planning for a baby and spending more time planning for my career advancements and external, , achievements in that way versus the external achievement of, of having a baby. But that's not everyone, and it's also not long lasting. If we don't have internal worth, and this is where understanding your values comes in, understanding who you are, who you want to be, how you want to live your life, all of that, where that actually comes in, instead of simply just following somebody else's prescribed path to happiness, because that doesn't, that just doesn't work.
All right, we are at number six, and this is one that I don't understand. I don't get this one. Okay. This is the, the stereotype, the belief that a person who is child free is emotionally unfulfilled, that there is a void. And my question to people who believe this. Is did you feel a void before you had kids?
And some people would say, yes. Some people would say, I didn't know there was a void until I had kids. And so I would say then there wasn't a void. You just made space for another person in your life in the same way that if I were to meet another person in my life who became a really great friend, I didn't know that I needed them in my life or that I wanted them in my life.
Cause I didn't know about them. But now that I know them, I'm going to carve some space out in my heart and in my life, and I'm going to make, I'm going to make space for them. Right? So there are some people who would say that there was a void and they, they filled that by being a parent. The thing is, is that I don't have a void from not being a parent. and another thing that I, would say to the people who were like, youre leading a life. That's emotionally unfulfilling. I think about the people who say I want to be married for a couple of years before having children, because I want to enjoy our time together as a couple. That tells me you're not emotionally unfulfilled. That tells me you're so emotionally fulfilled, you want to hold on to that.
Not that you are so lonely and you are regretting your decision to not have kids at this point. You are loving it so much you are delaying the trying to conceive and/or the adoption process. Because you're loving your life so much. So when we think about people who don't have kids, we're just extending that entire emotional fulfillment forever.
The caveat is obviously. There are people and I have gone through this myself where I've gone through depression. I've, I have anxiety. I have had moments of who the hell am I, what am I doing with my life? Um, part of that is why I ended up in Portugal.
And so. Emotional unfulfillment, existential crises, , lack of clarity, all of that is not just for child free people. That's a human experience.
All right, I'm not gonna talk much about this one because this one is just stupid to me. It's the idea that if you don't want kids that you hate them. This is one that I believe many child free people struggle with themselves because, and I was talking about this in an Instagram live the other day, where for people who do like children, , There's almost this defensiveness that they feel that they have to show the world that I, in fact, don't hate children.
And then there are people who really don't enjoy children, and it is, and children are very irritating to them, and they can even say which kind of age groups are, are more or less tolerable for them. And then there's a whole entire continuum in between those two people. And the thing is, is that one. Who cares?
If I don't like children, why do you want me to have them? And if I don't like children, isn't it a great thing that I'm deciding not to have them? So this is why this one's just so stupid to me. It, why do you care if I don't like kids, as long as I'm not, there's that, there's that scene from, um, the big bang theory where Penny was like, you know, I don't hate kids.
I wouldn't throw a rock at one. If I saw it, you know, it's like, yeah, like as long as I'm not. Being a horrible person to children, leave me alone. , for me personally, , I'm going to quote Taylor Swift, it isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference. That's how I feel about kids, they're just like, there.
That's my personal belief is that's really what a lot of childfree people are, is that they're indifferent.
And we don't think about kids on a daily basis. because we're living our life. Emotionally fulfilled and connected and having companionship that we're not in a place where we're thinking about kids at all.
Alright, we've got a couple left. Number eight is this immature stereotype. Okay, come on people. This is where I want to be like, okay boomer. Because I don't know any adult who is being honest that doesn't say, I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm just a kid we are all immature to some level.
One of the things that I see, and I think of myself as a relatively mature person, um, somewhat to a fault, that's part of my trauma response, is that how many times do we see adults, you know, 30, 40, 50 year old men in particular, doing really, really stupid things? It is not only child free people who are immature.
The reason that this stereotype exists is because one of the things that child free people say is having a kid is too much responsibility. Having a kid requires me to take on more than I want to. And in my opinion, that is more mature than immature. It's saying, I know what I'm capable of and, or I know what I'm willing to take on.
And I'm not going to take on anything else simply to please society. Instead, I'm going to be mature enough to say, no, I'm going to be mature enough to live the life that I want to lead and not attempt to put myself into a box. However, I don't care if someone thinks that I'm immature. I don't care if someone thinks that the fact that, I want to spend as much of my time exploring the world versus raising a child.
If they see that as immature, okay, I'm living my life the way that I want to. I don't care what your opinion is. And that may be immature, or that may be one of the most mature things that we can experience is self autonomy and self fulfillment and self confidence.
All right, 9 and 10 kind of go along with this, um, immature stereotype. So the stereotype that people who are child free are freedom centric. That one makes me want to bust out laughing. Um, Because I'm an American. And for those of you who are, who are not in the United States, can you think of a country who talks about being free more, the freedoms that we have as Americans, um, those of you who are in America, how often are you hearing people talk about the freedoms of America?
I just, I think it's a little ridiculous that people talk about this idea that A child free person is just, is so focused on, they just want their freedom, right? That's what I mean by freedom centric is, it's like, they just want their freedom. And, and so by being child free, they're just kind of avoiding the, the, the burdens, quote unquote of parenthood.
Yes. The short answer is yes. I do want the freedom. To live my life the way that best fulfills me. And I keep coming back to, why do you care? Right? So why, why are all of these other people caring? many, many childfree people will lean into this. Um, I know that I do as well. And it's saying I have the freedom.
Last night I was up until 1230. I slept until 930 . And. I was able to do that. I had the freedom to do that. Not only because I don't have kids, but because I own my own business and I work remotely from Portugal with people in the United States. So my, my workday starts later. So I have all of these freedoms.
Yep, I'm freedom centric. That doesn't make me a bad person. And it doesn't have to do with primarily parenthood. It means that I am seeking the freedom in my life to choose to live the way that I want to live and not have somebody tell me how I'm supposed to live in order to make them happy.
And the last one, I'm not spending a lot of time on because it's, it's so ridiculous. It's this, it's this idea that goes with the freedom centric and the immature stereotype that says that child free people are unstable or unsettled. We see this in TV as well.
We see the, especially with women. The child free woman comes in and she's just chaotic. She's a mess. The aunt comes in and she's bringing cakes and cookies, and she's taking the kids to a bar and all of these things and. I laugh because. There are breweries with playgrounds. And they're not for the child free people.
They're for the parents to bring their kids to the breweries. we have a joke about grandparents. You drop your kids off at the grandparents house so that they can fill them with sugar and send them home. Right? So, these stereotypes are not... They don't make any sense for a child free person.
And so, I think it's important. As we think back on all these other stereotypes I've talked about today and all the other stereotypes that I didn't mention is the reason that I'm bringing it up is that these are not accurate descriptions, all the different and the diverse experiences that the child free by choice community, and even the child free by chance community experiences.
These are this and Stereotypes that I believe are based a lot in projection, they are based in a lot of envy on some people's parts, and I also believe that these stereotypes are based in people who are not wanting or putting in the work to understand someone in their life who has chosen to not have kids.
And an example of that is as someone who My brand, this podcast, , my, the social club, I have a whole life built around being a voice in the, in the child free community. And I have people who have asked me privately in DMs who have made comments on my social media and who have said things to me in person to my face and who have said things about me when I haven't been around that.
All say basically the same thing. And that thing is Maggie, why are you so loud about being child free? Why do you have to talk about it so much? Why do you have to make that your entire personality? Why do you have to make that your identity? And that's kind of the bonus stereotype. That once you embrace being child free, there will be that stereotype of, oh, now that's your entire personality.
And there's two things for this. The first is, Every single child free person that I know, rarely talk about parents, rarely talk about kids, and rarely even reference life as a child free person, unless the conversation is specifically directed to one of those three things. Because we are talking about all the other wonderful things that we are doing and experiencing and thinking in our lives.
And the second thing is. Yes, being child free is something I'm going to continue to be loud about, and I'm going to be a voice in this community and I'm going to make posts about my life and my life purposefully happens to be child free. And that is no different than every single parent who.
Talks about their life, raising their kids, who talks about their children, who posts about their children. I'm just talking and posting about different things. And if you think I'm wearing this as a badge and somehow I'm just making it my personality, what I think that the parent community is doing is they're purposefully not wanting to see that they're doing the same thing.
Because what they're doing is societally acceptable, and what I am doing is breaking the mold. But, like they say in Thailand, same, same, but different.
Woo! Alright, so we ended, and I was getting a little bit heated. I wanted to leave that to the end, because that always gets, that one gets me going. I just wanted, like, mm, mm, with people, when they say that I'm being too loud about being child free, because frankly, When people ask me about my life, and they want to know about my trip to Morocco, or they want to know about what I'm doing in my life in Portugal, it is parents and non parents alike who are interested.
Because what I'm doing is, is pretty dang cool, I think.
Alright, so we've reached the end of the list and I want to end here by saying, if you believe that you fall into one of those stereotypes and you don't like that, let me know. I am happy to talk through things with you, um, just find me on Instagram, DM me, and I'm happy to talk through things with you.
You can come on the show, we can talk about it. Because I don't want you to feel unfulfilled or lonely or any of those things because the child free life is fucking incredible because it is purposeful and intentional right. And that's the key to joy and happiness and fulfillment is embracing life and maximizing it in a purposeful and value based way.
And if you find yourself in one of these stereotypes and you love it. Keep doing it. Stereotypes exist because there is a level of truth behind it. I am freedom based. I do have some level of an, a scattered life. I don't know what my life is going to look like in 20 years and that's okay.
Kids are not my favorite thing. I'm never going to convince myself otherwise, and it doesn't matter because I'm never around them. Right? So I don't have to break out of these, stereotypes because they're not harming anyone. They are simply me being myself. And I encourage you to allow you to lean into the person that you are and freaking own it.
anD so I believe that this is the only life that you're able to lead at this moment. And so join the unapologetically child free community, come and hang out with us online and in this podcast, because
stereotypes be damned. You have a place here.
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