I tackle four common misconceptions about the childfree community, setting the record straight on societal myths and shedding light on the reality of living childfree
. Episode Highlights:
Myth #1: Parents know what it's like to be childfree because they were childfree before having kids. Maggie breaks down why being childfree is not just a phase but a conscious lifestyle choice.
Myth #2: Being childfree is just for the night, the weekend, or the week. I discuss the problematic narrative that portrays being childfree as a temporary persona rather than a lifestyle choice.
Myth #3: Childfree individuals are perpetually stuck in a party mode, seeking to relive their youth. I challenge this stereotype and highlight the diverse reasons why people choose to be childfree.
Myth #4: Singles who are childfree will eventually settle down and have kids once they meet the right person. I expose the harmful notion that childfree individuals are simply waiting to be convinced into parenthood. Join me, Maggie Dickens, as I debunk these myths and share insights from my own childfree journey.
Plus, stick around for a glimpse into my life as an expat in Portugal, where I'm soaking up the Southern European sun and embracing her childfree lifestyle to the fullest!
Don't forget to hit that subscribe button and notification bell to join the vibrant Unapologetically Childfree community, and let me know in the comments which myth resonated with you the most!
Until next time, tchau y'all! 👋
----- Timestamps: Ep 014
00:00 Debunking Myths About the Childfree Community
00:13 Introducing the Host and the Mission 01:05 The Importance of Listening and Understanding
03:20 Myth #1: Parents Were Once Childfree
08:20 Myth #2: Temporary Childfree Status 1
0:54 Myth #3: Childfree Equals Eternal Youth
13:20 Myth #4: Childfree Waiting for the Right Person 17:00 Concluding Thoughts and Personal Life Update
——— Links:
Video on Childfree terms: https://youtu.be/wThe2ilopRc
Meetups: https://unapologeticallychildfree.com/meetup
Instagram: https://unapologeticallychildfree.com/instagram
All the Links: https://unapologeticallychildfree.com/links
Join my email list for additional Childfree Content: https://unapologeticallychildfree.com/emaillist
Childfree Woman’s Path: Friends, not FOMO (My ebook and journal) https://unapologeticallychildfree.com/childfreepath
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014 petpeeves
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[00:00:00]
[00:00:00] Maggie: As the world talks about being childfree and the childfree community more and more, I think we need to put a stop right now, in this moment, to these four primary myths or lies that the world has about the childfree.
[00:00:13] Hey, hey, and welcome to Unapologetically Childfree. I am so happy that you're here because this is where you find your childfree community that you never knew existed, now you can't live without.
[00:00:24] I'm Maggie Dickens, I'm a licensed therapist, but mainly I'm your childfree hype woman, and we are myth busting today.
[00:00:31] We are taking four primary ways that the world just misinterprets the childfree community, and we're setting things straight right now.
[00:00:41] Alright, so as you can see, I am at my desk instead of on the couch today because I am recording this episode in between counseling clients, and it's a bit of a hassle to get set up over there.
[00:00:53] So hang on, we're going to get through all four, including my personal beliefs and opinions, as well as [00:01:00] my background and education in the world of humans.
[00:01:05] Before we jump in, I think it's important to at least acknowledge that it's human nature to make assumptions and make judgments. It's part of our biology to assess for danger and prevent that danger from impacting us. It's part of our survival instinct.
[00:01:24] And so it's for that reason that I give a little bit of room for parents to come in with an open mind and a clear desire to understand a lifestyle that they know nothing about and that they are not a part of. See, the thing is, is that the leeway ends when I see these parents coming into my comments or the comments of other content made for, or about childfree people. And they come in and they perpetuate these ongoing myths, Lies and not [00:02:00] hearing the feedback from the people who actually belong to the community.
[00:02:02] I get it. We all like to think that we are right. As a quote unquote gifted and talented millennial, I love me some gold stars. I have chased gold stars for as long as I can remember.
[00:02:16] Maggie: My gold star chasing does not translate into believing that I have to be an expert in everything. In fact, that feels daunting and it feels like a lot of work that I'm not going to get paid to do. So, no thank you.
[00:02:31] If I need or want to understand something that's going on in a community that I don't belong into and that I have chosen not to be a part of, I'm going to come in listening.
[00:02:42] Unfortunately, this is not what we see most often. Instead, what we see are these four narratives being spread as easily as germs in a daycare not only is it never ending, but it's also something that could be prevented if the parents who come into childfree spaces,
[00:02:59] uninvited may [00:03:00] I say, listened more and commented less.
[00:03:03] All right. So what are these myths and why are they problematic? We're going to jump in in just a moment, but if you haven't already, please take a moment and hit that subscribe button and that notification bell so that you can be a part of this wonderful, unapologetically childfree community and hang out with me every Thursday.
[00:03:18] All right, coming in strong. I see this so, so, so much. myth number one, parents know what it is like and have actually been childfree in the past prior to becoming parents. I can already see some of these comments coming in of, yeah, I was childfree and I had this kid and it changed my life. So everyone who's childfree, as soon as they have a baby that they don't want.
[00:03:45] they're, they're going to be super, super happy. I have an entire video about different terms. And one of those terms is pre parent. That is what people are when they're in that phase in their life where they haven't had kids [00:04:00] yet.
[00:04:00] That is different. from being childfree. Okay. Being childfree is a conscious and purposeful choice. I talked about this in, in the video, it'll be probably going to link it on the screen and, and below. I believe that being childfree, whether you got here by chance or by choice, it is a consideration of so many different factors. For some people, they spend years thinking about this. For others like me, it is just part of who I am. I've always known that I didn't want to have kids.
[00:04:37] So this myth that childfree is simply this stage in someone's life prior to becoming a parent is basically saying that being childfree is a phase. And no, childfree is a lifestyle. It is a choice that me and millions of other people have chosen. [00:05:00] It's an entire life path.
[00:05:01] Those that think that their life prior to kids was this childfree stage or phase of their life is missing the fact that during that phase, there was still that. Thought in the back of the head of eventually I will have kids. So I need to plan for that. I need financial planning or housing planning or job planning or partnership planning.
[00:05:25] Someone who is childfree. Does not have that background noise of saying, how do I design my life now to prepare me for baby in the future?
[00:05:35] So breaking this down to be even more obvious for those that potentially might need it. Believing that someone who has children now is able to say, "I know exactly what it's like to be childfree because I have lived my life without kids before." is the same thing as me saying, "I know what it's like to grow up in California because 10 years ago, [00:06:00] I lived in California for like six months."
[00:06:03] I look back and have a fondness for it. I can relate to some of the stories that you have. Y'all give me a break.
[00:06:11] Are you kidding me? I was never a Californian. Yes, I can engage in a conversation with someone and we can relate on certain things, but that does not mean that I know exactly what it's like to have that identity as someone who is from California.
[00:06:24] Yeah. Simply because I was there for six months over a decade ago.
[00:06:28] So now that we're very, very clear on how ridiculous this myth is, let's talk about what this myth tells me about the parents who believe it-- is that they didn't give much forethought to having children, they just did.
[00:06:42] They're seeing that pre parent period as a natural stage that everyone goes to because eventually everyone becomes a parent instead of seeing that becoming a parent is really a huge decision and should be taken seriously the way that the childfree [00:07:00] community does when we go through our own process of making that decision for ourselves.
[00:07:05] Maggie: And it also tells me that some parents are still struggling to really accept that they have become parents. And that once you're a parent, you are always a parent. And this is why in that video when we were talking about the terms, I talk about empty nesters and how sometimes empty nesters or step parents want to feel a part of the childfree community.
[00:07:30] The third thing that believing this myth tells me about someone is that they're know it alls because this myth is put into the comments when someone is wanting to show that they know what it's like to be childfree.
[00:07:44] Not only do they know what it's like to be childfree, they also are saying when I know better because now I'm a parent. They throw out all of those bingos that we get .The "you will never know true love," or o"nce you find someone you'll change your mind," or " [00:08:00] just have a kid and try it out."
[00:08:02] All of those BS comments that we get, it's coming from this know it all space of, I've lived my life pre kids, and now I have kids, and it's fine, so go do it.
[00:08:13] And these know it alls are often the ones that speak the loudest and say the least.
[00:08:20] Alright, myth number two, it is quite similar to myth number one and actually plays into myth number three.
[00:08:25] So myth number two is, "I'm childfree for the night, the weekend, the week." If you don't know what I'm talking about, just search the hashtag childfree weekend. And you will see plenty of moms posting about having a weekend where they have left their kids with some other adult and they are out having a good time sans kids. Like I said earlier, once you're a parent, you're always a parent. Whether or not your children are physically next to you or in the same [00:09:00] house , or in the same room with you, you're still a parent. You're still going to be approaching the world from the same point of view that you did
[00:09:08] when your kid was with you.
[00:09:10] This statement while many people will say oh It's just silly and and it's no big deal. I think this is a highly problematic Narrative that we keep seeing out there because what it is What he continues to say to the world is that being childfree is a phase and that being childfree is, is just a persona, almost like a Halloween costume that you can put on and take off.
[00:09:36] And that really isn't about a lifestyle choice. It's instead something to almost play act when you want to. I could talk about that play acting a whole lot more. So if you want a full video on parents stepping into the childfree community and labeling themselves as childfree for the weekend or the week, please let me know in the comments.
[00:09:57] Cause I'm happy to do a full video on that.
[00:09:59] But for [00:10:00] now, what does believing this myth tell me about that person? Well, first and foremost, it tells me that they don't really know what being childfree is. They've not put much effort into understanding the difference between someone who has chosen not to have kids is building a life that will not include children and how that's different from someone who has chosen to have kids and is building a life that includes children.
[00:10:24] It also shows me that they idolize the childfree lifestyle and at the very least are wanting to be a part of both the childfree community as well as the parenting community.
[00:10:36] And I get that we are all about like, we can be whatever we want to be. However, You can't be childfree and a parent.
[00:10:45] I'm giggling because why do I have to tell people this? How is this not obvious?
[00:10:51] Myth number three is one that, it is hard for me to like summarize this in like a [00:11:00] you know, a nice little graphic. Myth number three is this idea that people choose to be childfree because they want to be lost boys or girls And stay in their late teens and early 20s in this like constant partying mode forever.
[00:11:18] And don't get me wrong,
[00:11:19] I am here for a good concert. I am here for going dancing. I love A happy hour that just continues for hours, but I am also here for a quiet morning in bed with the sunshine coming through and a coffee in my hand and a good book.
[00:11:39] while not wanting the added responsibility of a child is on most of our list of reasons not to have kids. It is not the only reason, and it's not the primary reason for everyone.
[00:11:52] And having less responsibility is nice. It absolutely is. However [00:12:00] having less responsibility doesn't equal reliving my undergrad days in perpetuity.
[00:12:06] What it says to me about someone who believes that the childfree are seeking a life of the eternal rave is that they believe that adult fun is what they did for fun prior to having kids. And so if that was partying, if that was raving, then they say, all right, when I don't have the kids, I want to go have fun and I want to go do these things.
[00:12:30] It also tells me that these. Myth believers aren't introspective and they're not pushing themselves to grow as adults and instead they're getting stuck in this idea that I'm this young 20 year old who is stuck in this mom or dad life. And To me, that's quite sad because one of the things I love about being childfree is that I have so much extra [00:13:00] mental space and literal time to figure out who I am and how in my late thirties, I'm different as a human than I was in my mid and my early thirties and how I'm building a life to continue to be the person that I want to be once I hit 40 and beyond .
[00:13:20] All right, this one I think could be a video on its on its own as well, but myth number four, and this I see all the time. everywhere. And it's this idea, and this is specifically for the single and childfree, is that when someone who is single and childfree starts dating someone in a serious fashion, whatever that looks like to you, everyone wants to , come out from the woodwork and say, Oh, you're ready to settle down and have a family now.
[00:13:51] This is related to those other myths that put being childfree as a phase, as this stage in life prior to having [00:14:00] kids, instead of it being a lifestyle choice.
[00:14:03] One of the really problematic pieces to this myth in particular is that it's highlighting our society's default everyone will be a parent at some point, and that you just have to quote unquote meet the right person or some BS like that.
[00:14:20] In fact, this one, this one burns me up so much that I almost made an entire video several months ago when Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce. And I saw all of these comments talking about, Oh, she's at a certain age. She had to get rid of all these artistic lovers and instead she needs a dad type because she's ready to, to settle down and have kids. And they have been dating like a month or at least publicly dating for a month. But I knew that that video was going to get pretty unhinged. So I'm just briefly mentioning it, and we're going to move on.
[00:14:55] But the myth is still out there, and this idea that the childfree [00:15:00] are just simply pre parents waiting for this quote unquote, right person to come in and convince them to have kids that they never wanted to have in the first place.
[00:15:09] So I want you to listen to that again. There are people who genuinely believe that The childfree would be better off if they met someone who manipulated them into having a child they didn't want.
[00:15:26] They believe that's the ideal partnership and the ideal life. That's freaking bonkers, y'all. How are we still perpetuating these myths?
[00:15:36] Because it feeds into kind of this bonus myth that's encapsulating all of these, which is society often sees that the childfree are very child like. That we haven't grown up, that we don't want to grow up, that we're not adults. And I'm going to do a video about this in the future, about the infantilization of the childfree, [00:16:00] where somehow," I'm less of an adult because I haven't had a child."
[00:16:04] Despite the fact that I'm in my late thirties, I own two businesses. I take care of myself and I take care of other people. Somehow. I'm still seen as this childlike person who needs guidance from parents because by having a child, they are now the expert in adulting.
[00:16:27] And so what it tells me when someone believes this fourth myth is that it tells me they have no shame showing you just how toxic they are.
[00:16:37] I said toxic. They don't believe in personal autonomy. They don't believe in personal choice. They don't believe in critical thought. Full stop.
[00:16:47] All right, we got through all four. I don't think I went off the rails too much on this one. I could talk about these even more. So please drop in the comments which of these myths fires you up the most
[00:16:58] because I can't [00:17:00] choose.
[00:17:00] All right. So we're going to end in just a moment, but before we do, we have come to that part of the show where I share a little bit about my life as an expat in Portugal. And I am also happy because spring has sprung y'all. I am ecstatic as a sun chaser.
[00:17:19] I'm happy to be in the Southern European sun that's probably going to stick around until about October, and it makes me happy. Oh, so happy.
[00:17:27] I am embracing quiosque life! I've been taking my laptop out there, sitting out at the cafe.
[00:17:34] I want you to picture this. It's an outside cafe in a park. There are tons of dogs just running and playing. I'm overlooking the river and I am underneath this beautiful blue sky and nice Southern European sun. It is chef's kiss.
[00:17:51] Amazing. I love it. Love it so, so much.
[00:17:53] Oh, and add a glass of wine for only two euro and you have a very happy [00:18:00] 30 something millennial who is just living her ideal life at the moment.
[00:18:06] So let me know what you're doing as the seasons are changing and you are continuing to live your childfree life on your own terms. Until next Thursday, tchau y'all.